Know your worth

No matter how you view luxury items, the prices aren’t determined by your views, thoughts, or opinions. Companies that produce high-end luxury items set their prices based on the value that they, the company, attribute to their products. Never once has Lexus, Mercedes-Benz, or Rolex changed their prices because a consumer said “I don’t think the item is worth this amount.” “You’re charging too much.” ‘I can’t afford the price you’ve set for this item.” If you cannot afford an item’s cost, you simply don’t purchase it. If it doesn’t appeal to you or your taste, you leave it on the showroom floor or in the glass case that it is in and you go for something more suitable to you. A driver that can’t afford a Bugatti doesn’t purchase one. They go on to purchase a car that is more suitable to their income level. A consumer who doesn’t see the purpose in paying the expensive cost of a Rolex and has the thought that it simply tells time just like a Fossil or Timex watch won’t force the Rolex company to alter their prices.

This logic doesn’t just apply to items, it can be used to view your own personal self-worth. Never allow someone’s inability to see your worth to determine your value. There will always be people who won’t appreciate your quality. Don’t give them discounts or lower your stance to appease them. They can either get with your set “price” and pay the “cost” or they can move on the next that is on their affordable level. You can NEVER allow others to diminish your worth. If they cannot appreciate the requirements to be apart of your life just know that means they are not the one for you.

Forgiveness 101

I’ve realized that one of the hardest things for me to do is to forgive someone. Especially someone who has hurt me deep or hurt me multiple times. I found out that sometimes when you think you’ve forgiven them, you unexpectedly find out that you haven’t. Want to know if you’ve totally forgiven someone or a situation, then start seriously talking about it. If you can complete a conversation with no emotions, then you’ve successfully forgiven the person or situation.

There’s this quote that is highly enlightening, yet I hate it. “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got” (Robert Brault). I hate it, because it’s hard enough accepting an apology that you did get. Now I have to accept you that I never got or never will get!!! It’s frustrating because “sorry” doesn’t fix anything. The words “I’m sorry” don’t erase the hurt, pain, or any other emotion I was caused. And it surely doesn’t make you forget what was done to me.

However, in order for me to practice forgiveness, I wrote myself an apology letter that I would have wanted written to me. It’s amazing how freeing this actually was. I attributed the words to those that hurt me and spoke the words on their behalf.

Here’s a copy of my letter:

Dear Tiffany,

Let me start off by saying that I apologize for everything that ever made you do anything other than smile, feel joy, or maintain a parameter of peace. I apologize for causing you to feel like you weren’t enough. I never meant to make you question your worth. I was foolish for taking the blessing that God entrusted me with for granted. Your heart, your time, your beauty, and your love is a precious gift that God placed in my life. Not only did I take it for granted with you, but I took it for granted with Him. He created me to be a strong foundation and the minute I betrayed you, I shattered my own foundation. I allowed myself to no longer be a strong structure. I apologize for the mistakes and the error of my judgment, I now realize that I should have had all of those mistakes out of my system, before you entered my life. I apologize for all these errors; however in honesty, I have to say that I don’t regret them. I have realized that these errors have made me a better man and a better Christian. If not for these errors, I would not have realized that this was still in me. I am better for having made them at this point in my life, versus later on down the road, when it would have even more detrimental to our lives. I needed to confront some lingering parts of my past and had I not made these mistakes, I would not have matured or grown to the point I am now.

I thank you for being the best part of me. I look into your eyes and I see the beauty of Christ. I now know what it means to look into someone’s eyes and see a glimpse of Heaven. I now know what it means to love like God loves. God gave his most precious gift of His only son to be brutally murdered for everyone. That is how much He loved everyone. I now realize that as much as it pains me to be apart from you, I have to allow you to work out all in this in your heart and mind, just as God has to watch us until we reach that point of wanting to totally live our lives for Him. I can only pray to God above that you totally forgive me and throw my indiscretions into a sea of forgetfulness. Please know that if I’m ever blessed the opportunity to have you back in my life that with every breath in my body, I will make it up to you and see that I give my all to be devoted to you. I will never make you question your worth. I will be sure to remind that you are more than enough for me. I will be sure to remind you that you are a beautiful gift that I know was Heaven sent.

Ultimately, I realize that this will be a healing process with you. I know God is the ultimate healer, so I pray that He intervenes and heals you of the deep hurt that I have caused you. I know that healing takes time and I continue to pray daily that you will forgive me, just as God has. I humble myself before God and before you to say I am more than sorry and I repent before you and God of my transgressions.

I now no longer have any animosity towards them and I’ve completed Forgiveness 101 towards them. Now moving on to upper level courses in forgiveness is a different story….

I encourage you to write yourself your own letter of forgiveness. Let go and don’t let the lack of forgiveness to cause bitterness to take root in your life. They’re not worth it and life is to precious for you to waste another moment dwelling in the pain, hurt, betrayal, etc.

I Don’t Want to Fall in Love

Yes, I meant what I just said! I don’t want to fall in love!!! Falling hurts. People don’t fall intentionally (well, in some cases they do). I am the clumsiest person I know, besides my kids (who inherited their clumsiness from me). Falling is embarrassing. People are secretly recording you. They laugh at you, they point at you, and they put you on social media websites. They bring it up years later, still laughing. They ask you stupid questions, like how in the world did you fall like that. That is the same picture I envision when someone says that they “fell” in love.

The next time that I am in love with someone, I want it to be on purpose. I don’t want to accidentally awaken deep in love with that person. I want to intentionally be in love with them. I want to BE in love the next go around. “Be”ing in love means to me that I transitioned to another state within myself and beyond myself.

Just like when I first got pregnant, I purposed in my mind to “BE” a mother. I did everything within me to prepare to “be” the best mother I possibly could. I didn’t wait until my son was actually in my arms to prepare my mind to transition to thinking about someone other than myself. I can remember the day I mentally became a mother, which was long before he was actually born. After my son was born and my daughters came along, I became even more of a mother. No matter how rough the days of motherhood may get, I never give up on being a mother. I would NEVER abandon my children and I will NEVER stop loving them. There isn’t anything that they could do that will cause my heart to undo what I feel for them. The same way that I desire to always put my children’s needs before mine, with my next love, I want to put “our” love before my selfish desires.

I want our love to become me. I want love to win in every circumstance and situation. I want to choose our love, over every alternative! No matter how rough the road may get, how cloudy the storm may be, and no matter the situation, I want to remember that I purposely became in love with that man. I will choose to remember that I didn’t awaken in love accidentally. I didn’t trip into love with him and I’ll be able to say it was no coincidence that I’m in love with him. I will be able to remember the moment I looked in his eyes and chose to be in love with him. It may just be wishful thinking, but hey it doesn’t hurt to speak what I want. The tongue is a powerful weapon.

**Don’t get it twisted, I am in no rush to “BE” in love. I need time to mentally prepare myself for that type of love. For now, I am fine just being in love with myself and my 4 chambers**

In recognition of National Rape Awareness Month

This will be the most transparent blog I’ve ever written or thought about writing. In recognition of National Rape Awareness Month, I will share an experience that transformed my life 18 years ago.

At the age of 15, I decided to be grown and skip school with my boyfriend. I wanted to enjoy the “thrill” of skipping school. Just a rebel without a cause…

My boyfriend and I went to a family member’s house who wasn’t home. However, his cousin was there, as he had skipped school too. My boyfriend decided to go to the store and to go get me something to eat. He asked did I want to go, but being scared I was going to be seen (remember I’m supposed to be at school), I told him no. The cousin said he wasn’t going to go either. I wasn’t scared of the cousin as I had been around him plenty of times, but never alone with him. While my boyfriend was gone, his cousin began trying to kiss me. No matter how much I tried to push him away and avoid him, he persisted. He eventually forced himself on me and in me. He covered my mouth and held me down, while I’m crying and still trying to say no. My boyfriend finally returned and out of fear, I didn’t tell him what had just happened. I eventually told him later than night, because I had to ask him did he know what his cousin was going to do to me. He was very upset. To this day, I don’t know if he ever confronted him about it.

The worse part of that day was what it did to me after the rape was over.I lost ALL trust in men. I began to believe that all men only wanted one thing- SEX. I grew up believing my dad was my super hero. I learned in that moment that he couldn’t protect me from everything. It’s amazing the things the brain can suppress until a traumatic incident causes your memory to be awaken. The absolute worst thing the rape could have done was make me remember being molested as a child. I guess somewhere in my 6 year old mind, the memories got lost or buried behind fun times on a playground. It wasn’t until I was violated again that the memories came flooding back. I am so very over-protective of my children, especially my daughters. I never want them to experience anything like that; however, knowing that I’m honestly limited in my protection abilities since I can’t be with them 24 hours a day, I want them to know, trust, and believe that if anyone ever violates them that they can ALWAYS tell me. Let me clarify, it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell my parents, but I was afraid. The fear of admitting I had skipped school was greater than the fear of exposing what he had done to me.

The crazy thing about rape is the guilt it leaves the victim with. I have always seen it as my fault. If I would have just gone to school that day or if I would have ridden to the store with my boyfriend. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I was the victim in the situation.

I saw the guy about 3 years later and he asked me why I didn’t like him. I told him it was because he raped me. He said I didn’t do anything to you. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been as mad as I was in that moment. About 3 or 4 years later, I saw him again and he actually admitted to it and apologized. I forgive him- I didn’t at that time, but now I do. I don’t desire to reveal his name, press charges, or ruin his reputation. He has to live with the guilt of knowing he’s a rapist.

I’m better now, I see it as a testament to my strength. I have faith that I went through that for a reason. I may not know today of what the reason was, but eventually I will.

I share this to (1) free myself from the mental anguish of holding it in for 18 years and (2) to encourage someone else to free themself. Know that rape isn’t your fault and you can be stronger than you ever thought possible.

Love or Companionship

For the month of February, I have been doing a self-guided study on love. I have been questioning do I even know what love really is. What does “true love” look like, feel like??? Have I ever really experienced “true” love? So before this month ends, let me enlighten you on my findings.

I realized that so many times in my life, I thought I was experiencing love, when it was actually companionship. I mistook the feelings, the thoughts, and the emotions for love. I was only enjoying the companionship they brought to my life. I thought I couldn’t go on without them by my side because of love. When in reality, it was because I enjoyed their company that I desired for them to stay. They brought laughter and joy to my world. I didn’t want that removed and my existence to be “boring” or changed. Truth is, even the butterflies I thought I felt whenever they came around wasn’t love either. When the rubber met the road, I was quick to dismiss them from my life. Why?!? Because it was never really love…

Love isn’t something that dissipates overnight or even appears overnight. Love is something that takes time to grow. Love evolves. Love holds on against all odds. Love keeps going when all else fails. Love isn’t measured by the time you spend together or the length of time you’ve been involved with each other. You can spend zero time together and love each other more than those who are constantly around one another. You can be together two weeks and share more love than someone who’s been together for years.

Want to know if what you are experiencing is really love??? Test it!! See if it can hold up against the true definition of love found in 1 Cor. 13:4-8.

– Love is patient. Can you be patient with the person that you consider yourself to love? No matter what their issue is, can you stand by their side while they work through it? Can you withstand the test of disappointments with them, when they slide backwards instead of progressing toward overcoming the issue? Can you wait while they determine within themselves if what they feel for you is really love? Can you be patient while they determine the course of their life? Can you be patient while they mature? It’s often said that men mature slower than women. So while he is maturing, are you willing to wait? Can you be patient when “they just don’t get it”? Can you be patient when they don’t appreciate you or take you for granted?

– Love is kind, doesn’t brag, and isn’t proud. Can you gladly put your self-pride on the shelf for the sake of your “love”? Can you be kind, when you really want to repay them with revenge? Can you be kind, even when the other person isn’t? Can you not name what you’ve done for the sake of the relationship or what you have had to give up?
– Love doesn’t dishonor others, look out for itself, or easily become angry. Can you be respectful even when you are being disrespected? Can you remain peaceful when you are really boiling on the inside? Can you put your self-interests to the back burner to look out for the best of the relationship?

– Love doesn’t keep track of others wrongs. Can you put the past and wrongs of the other party in the sea of forgetfulness (to NEVER be brought up again)? Can you forgive and forget? Can you let bygones be bygones?

– Love is joyful when the truth is spoken. Can you always speak the truth? Can you handle the truth being spoken, even when it’s uncomfortable? Sometimes the truth hurts, but that doesn’t change it from being the truth.
– Love always trusts and protects. Love trusts in every situation, even after having its trust abused. Love protects others. Do you protect your significant other? Can you protect them from you? Can you protect them from your words, your actions, or your judgment?

– Love never gives up and never fails. Are you quick to give up? Are you quick to throw in the towel and walk away? Did you truly exhaust every avenue before letting go?

– Also, I will add in love is an action. Actions can be expressed. Can you express your love? Not just in words by saying it, but can you prove through your actions that you love your significant other?

After studying on love, I realized that so many times, I stayed in relationships based on companionship. I moved forward with time spent in relationships for the comfort of their presence. I enjoyed being around them. I enjoyed their laughter, their jokes, their smile, their looks, etc. However, when I look back at the situations, it wasn’t love. I was so blinded by the satisfaction of their presence, that I accepted a façade of love. I continued on thinking that the love would grow deeper for each other. Truth is, it couldn’t grow, because it wasn’t there in the first place. I held on to a lie. This would be why when things got rough; it was easy for me to walk away.

Real love holds on even when it can’t see what is there to hold on to. Real love believes the best is still yet to come. Real love is forgiving time after time, even when it feels like a fool for forgiving again. Real love goes against all odds for the sake of love. Real love doesn’t care what outsiders have to say about the love, because they know what they feel. It doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but the love makes sense to them. No one else can tell you what you feel on the inside. Sometimes you can’t even tell yourself what you feel or make sense of what you feel. No one else can determine if what you feel is love or not. This is something you have to figure out for yourself.

Companionship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We all need companions in our lives. Also, just because it is companionship now doesn’t mean that it won’t one day transition to being love. The problem occurs when the companionship is confused with love. Both parties need to honestly self-evaluate and determine if their relationship is truly love or only companionship. Once the answer is discovered, be truthful with one another and proceed with an understanding.

I now realize what love is and know how to recognize the difference between love and companionship. I am determined even more so to continue on to my next love.

P.S. Love and companionship is not limited to relationships between couples. This applies to friendships, as well as relationships between family members

Don’t despise your current season

I hate winter!! There’s nothing about it to me that makes me look forward to it. I don’t like being cold; I don’t like coats, hats, and gloves; I don’t like the colds, sniffles, or coughs; and I definitely don’t like having to be bundled up in layers. Because I’m a shoe lover, the only positive thing I can say about winter is I like the boots. However, I realize that there are people who feel completely the opposite about winter. I don’t understand them, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I also realize that winter is necessary. You don’t have to like your current season in life, but you must understand it’s necessity.

Winter is a time of change. Change is uncomfortable for most people. Change causes uncertainty and fear of the unknown.

Winter is a time of early darkness. However, dark periods are needed in our lives so that we can clearly see who carries the bright light in our lives.

During the winter, things freeze and die off. Sometimes it’s necessary for things or people to freeze out of our lives. If it can’t sustain the cold periods of your life, then it doesn’t deserve the warmth of your life either.  After the winter season, Spring comes and brings new life and freshness. It also brings the rain. Rain=blessings.

The beauty of winter is that it doesn’t last forever. It’s just a passing through season. Don’t just get stuck permanently in a temporary season. Don’t lose hope or give up in your winter season. Use your time wisely to understand the necessity of your winter season. Allow those things or people that are being frozen to die off. Also, if they die off from you in your winter season, don’t allow their return in your spring or summer season. They have already proven that they don’t deserve you and are incapable of being an evergreen.

Don’t despise your current season, just because it’s uncomfortable, cold, dreary, and bland. Use the fire of others to keep you warm. Bundle up in the layers of the true, proven, and lasting relationships/friendships in your life.

Don’t rush the season to pass, you may miss an important aspect in doing so. If you learn every necessary lesson now, next winter you won’t have the same test to come your way. Just as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, your winter season won’t last forever.

Although I don’t like winter, it has its beautiful moments. No other season do you really associate with snow other than winter. It’s in those beautiful moments that you begin to appreciate the season. Here’s a secret- if you appreciate the beauty of your season instead of complaining about it, it’ll go by quicker and be over before you know it.

So no matter what situations your winter season is bringing into your life, embrace it. Learn the life lessons associated with it; it’ll make you a better person.

Judging or Nah

I hate the saying “church people are judgmental”. Truth is, ALL people are judgmental. Why? Because people, in church or out, are people. As people we judge other people. Simple as that. Should we? Of course not, but we do. We judge people ALL the time about EVERYTHING, simple or complicated. Why did she wear that with that? Why is he with her? Why is her makeup looking like that? She must think she cute. He think he’s better than everyone else. Why don’t they discipline their kids? Why they that, why they this, etc, etc, etc. So why is it that when it happens in the church, we are mad?!? Yes, we are supposed to be striving daily to be like Christ and in that, we should strive to not be judgmental. Until we all reach that point, we are going to fail and judge. However, we consistently give people outside church walls and doors permission to judge our lives. We don’t mind their judgments though. Is it because we silently place them beneath us due to their lack of church attendance? Do we excuse the judging of “sinners”? Honestly, those “sinners” are the ones we should be concerned about judging us. We should want them to see God in us and be drawn to Him through us. Truthfully, none of us are perfect. We can be quick to admit our own lack of perfection, but not the next “church person’s” lack. It could be all so simple, but we’ll rather make it hard (I’m a HUGE Lauryn Hill fan!!): Mind your own business!! If we all mind our own business and not the next person’s, we won’t have time to judge anyone else. Take 6 months to mind your business and the other 6 months to stay out of the next person’s business, then we wouldn’t have to worry about “church people” judging. Maybe then, people would be people who love people. And the world could be a better place. Happy Friday!!

Live your life

For my first blog, I felt as no other title would be as befitting as “Live your Life”. For so long, I’ve wanted to start this blog. However, for many different reasons, I have put it off for 5 LONG years. I’ve finally come to the point that I want to live my life!! I have spent so many years attempting to make others happy and putting my own happiness on the back burner. I have reached a point where I truly realize that I matter to me too. I refuse to allow another day to go by, where I regret not doing the things that bring me joy. Especially when the main reason I avoid pursuing my personal joy is in an effort to make others comfortable. My uncompromising views, my bluntness, and my outspoken words of truth have the ability to make others uncomfortable with me. I am determined that the next 33 years of my life will be the best years of my life. Not another year will go by that I don’t pursue my desires because someone else can’t handle it. I encourage you to do the same. 2014 is quickly coming to an end, don’t let the year end and yet again, you’ve ended another year with unaccomplished goals. In other words, Live your life!!! Don’t simply exist, LIVE!! Live your life to the fullest. Set a daily goal to live each day with no regrets.