In recognition of National Rape Awareness Month

This will be the most transparent blog I’ve ever written or thought about writing. In recognition of National Rape Awareness Month, I will share an experience that transformed my life 18 years ago.

At the age of 15, I decided to be grown and skip school with my boyfriend. I wanted to enjoy the “thrill” of skipping school. Just a rebel without a cause…

My boyfriend and I went to a family member’s house who wasn’t home. However, his cousin was there, as he had skipped school too. My boyfriend decided to go to the store and to go get me something to eat. He asked did I want to go, but being scared I was going to be seen (remember I’m supposed to be at school), I told him no. The cousin said he wasn’t going to go either. I wasn’t scared of the cousin as I had been around him plenty of times, but never alone with him. While my boyfriend was gone, his cousin began trying to kiss me. No matter how much I tried to push him away and avoid him, he persisted. He eventually forced himself on me and in me. He covered my mouth and held me down, while I’m crying and still trying to say no. My boyfriend finally returned and out of fear, I didn’t tell him what had just happened. I eventually told him later than night, because I had to ask him did he know what his cousin was going to do to me. He was very upset. To this day, I don’t know if he ever confronted him about it.

The worse part of that day was what it did to me after the rape was over.I lost ALL trust in men. I began to believe that all men only wanted one thing- SEX. I grew up believing my dad was my super hero. I learned in that moment that he couldn’t protect me from everything. It’s amazing the things the brain can suppress until a traumatic incident causes your memory to be awaken. The absolute worst thing the rape could have done was make me remember being molested as a child. I guess somewhere in my 6 year old mind, the memories got lost or buried behind fun times on a playground. It wasn’t until I was violated again that the memories came flooding back. I am so very over-protective of my children, especially my daughters. I never want them to experience anything like that; however, knowing that I’m honestly limited in my protection abilities since I can’t be with them 24 hours a day, I want them to know, trust, and believe that if anyone ever violates them that they can ALWAYS tell me. Let me clarify, it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell my parents, but I was afraid. The fear of admitting I had skipped school was greater than the fear of exposing what he had done to me.

The crazy thing about rape is the guilt it leaves the victim with. I have always seen it as my fault. If I would have just gone to school that day or if I would have ridden to the store with my boyfriend. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I was the victim in the situation.

I saw the guy about 3 years later and he asked me why I didn’t like him. I told him it was because he raped me. He said I didn’t do anything to you. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life been as mad as I was in that moment. About 3 or 4 years later, I saw him again and he actually admitted to it and apologized. I forgive him- I didn’t at that time, but now I do. I don’t desire to reveal his name, press charges, or ruin his reputation. He has to live with the guilt of knowing he’s a rapist.

I’m better now, I see it as a testament to my strength. I have faith that I went through that for a reason. I may not know today of what the reason was, but eventually I will.

I share this to (1) free myself from the mental anguish of holding it in for 18 years and (2) to encourage someone else to free themself. Know that rape isn’t your fault and you can be stronger than you ever thought possible.